This Side of Heaven
by OccurredInk052
Summary: She wanted to bury her grief, but life has a way of carrying on... This my first fanfic so I welcome the critique :)
1. Chapter 1

The tiny brunette diva barreled through the door to the loft with her head tucked down and her dance bag slung over her shoulder. She stopped in the middle of the room and hurled the tote bag to the floor. She unceremoniously wiped her nose with the back of her hand as the tears fell. She didn't get the part. Fanny Brice had been her dream since, well, forever. Now, her dream was being lived out by someone else. Seems like all she had done lately was lost.

She sank to her knees as the tears came faster and her breathing grew ragged from the sobs that shook her body. First it was Finn, now, this. Memories of Finn flooded her already shattered heart. One sliver of her subconscious was grateful that he wouldn't see her like this. He never could stand to see her cry. But, then, the painful realization that he would never see her again rushed over her and her tears were no longer for the loss of the role she had been sure would catapult her to a Tony award. No, they were for the sweet life that had been taken too soon. The loss she had yet to grieve.

She hadn't shed a tear during the memorial. She was afraid that if she cried, it would be real. Finn would really be gone. He would never grumble sleepily when she called him at 3 am because she was nervous about a new dance in Ms. July's class. He would never call her to pick her brain about the latest glee assignment he was supposed to do at McKinley. He would truly be gone.

When Rachel came back to New York as soon as the memorial was over, she hurled herself headlong into her classes at NYADA. The truth was, she was afraid to slow down. Afraid of the pain that lurked just around the corner, threatening to pull her under when she least expected it. She ate and slept minimally, barely making eye contact with Kurt and Santana when they returned from Lima. They spoke in hushed tones about her, late at night, when they thought she had gone to sleep. They worried. She wanted to scream at them, cry on their shoulders, laugh with them, something. She wanted to do something to alleviate their concern, but she was frozen in her fear.

Finn was her first love, her first true love. They had been through it all, it seemed. They had made it through Quinn's pregnancy disaster, cheating scandals, a teenage (almost) wedding, and an epic falling out. They had their share of scars, but their relationship had finally reached that level of maturity that made it comfortable for both of them. They were finally able to grow into themselves and be supportive of the other's dreams and ambitions. They had finally become true best friends. Now, he was gone.

She pounded her fists angrily on the floor.

"WHY? WHY? How is this fair?" She screamed, tears coursing down her cheeks. She rocked forward, leaning her forehead on the wood floor and wrapping her arms around her head. She sobbed openly and let herself feel every bit of anger and grief and regret that had been building since Finn's death.

She didn't hear the door slide open. She didn't hear the soft gasp behind her nor the solid thud of Kurt's bag hitting the floor. He took two hesitant steps in her direction before calling out to her softly.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed! Made my heart soar to see my email full this morning! This is a short chapter, mostly because it's all I had in my head today, but I hope it will keep you wanting to read! Just letting you all know that this is not betaed (if you want the job, message me!) so I take full responsibility for spelling and grammar issues. Also, I own no part of Glee whatsoever, other than this plot line!**

"Rachel?" Kurt reached out and touched her shoulder gently. She didn't acknowledge her friend's presence, instead balling herself up tightly into the fetal position. She continued to weep, lost in the emotions raging inside of her. Kurt walked softly across the room and grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and returned to Rachel's balled up form. He wrapped the blanket around her and sat down next to her and gently lifted her head into his lap. He wiped the tears from her face with his thumb and softly started to hum their song. "Happy Days/Come on Get Happy" was their go to feel good song. She had sung it with him during their junior year, after Kurt's dad had nearly died of a heart attack. He remembered how dark and lonely the world had seemed when he thought he could be losing his dad. He had lost his mom when he was 8, so he wasn't a stranger to losing precious loved ones. Not that it got any easier. Finn's death had rent his heart in two. He hadn't just lost a priceless friend, but a brother.

His mind went to his dad and Carole. They were slowly getting back to their lives, but this unexpected loss had rocked everyone's foundations. Kurt was glad that his dad and Carole had each other to get through this. Blaine was a rock too. Kurt was never more grateful for his presence. He looked down at Rachel, who had quieted and now just sniffled softly. Who did she have? Yes, Kurt would always be there for her, as would Santana, but he knew there was only so much they could do for her. She didn't have that one person anymore. Her drive and determination had kept her from forming any real relationships since McKinley. Kurt let the tears fall as he mourned for Rachel.

Rachel lay silently, listening to Kurt hum "Happy Days". Part of her wanted to talk to him, to let him in and share how she felt. The other part of her just wanted to shut it all off. Shut out all the emotion, all the sadness, all the anger, all of the hurt. She sat up and took a deep breath. She knew Kurt expected her to say something but she clenched her jaw in resolute silence. She stood and folded the blanket neatly, placing it back on the couch as she headed for the bathroom. She washed her face and ran a comb through her hair. She reapplied her mascara and lip gloss carefully. She stared at her reflection. Time for the performance of a lifetime. She held up her chin and exited the bathroom.

Kurt stood and moved to intercept her as she crossed to pick up her bag.

"Rachel, do you-?" He started, but Rachel held up a finger to silence him.

"No." She said firmly, and picked up her bag and went to her room, closing the curtain behind her.

Kurt gaped after his tiny friend. He was completely taken aback by her abrupt behavior; her icy tone had hit him like a brick. She was normally so verbose about her feelings, to a fault sometimes. Emotions were healthy and conducive, she'd always said. This was wrong, and for once, Kurt didn't know what to do for his friend. Maybe Santana would know. He picked up his cell and fired off a text.

"**911 home. Call ASAP"**


End file.
